My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
