Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
