Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
