You work out of a Hotel?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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