Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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