smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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