There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
