you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
