That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
