she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
