grandma shit on top of the toilet
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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