i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
