Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
