I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
