a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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