just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
