you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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