Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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