Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
