Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
