found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
