You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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