Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i dont even know how to be here
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
