I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
