BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
They took my balls.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
