I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
