you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
