Screwed.edu
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
