Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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