I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
