your parents love me but you hate me
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
