fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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