Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
