I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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