Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
