meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
