i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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