i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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