For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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