I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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