He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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