I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
