Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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