It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
