So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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