My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
