He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
