Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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