If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I DEMAND FORESKIN
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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