Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
