do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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