Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
