Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
