We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
